Emotional Blogging

Today, after my run, I wanted to come home and spill my guts about everything that was on my mind. That probably wouldn't have been a good idea, because it would have all been negative. I was feeling pretty down on myself for a while today, but I was able to turn it around with some Zumba, which always puts me in a good mood. I still think it's important for me to share my feelings with you, and now I think I can do so with a cool head (sorta).

This morning, when I got on the scale to see that I had gained 4.5 pounds since Wednesday, I was extremely disappointed. I may act as if I don't care, and crack jokes about it, but it really affects me. You guys have seen the tip of the iceberg, in my blog postings here. Well, now let's get a little deeper into the 'berg...it's still not too far down because I have a lot buried under the surface, but it will give you an idea of where my head was. I usually don't share exactly how horrible I feel, because I want to keep things as positive as possible. But if I gain half a pound or a pound between weigh-ins, it usually puts me in a funk until I correct the problem. So you can imagine what 4.5 pounds did.

Today, I tried to laugh and smile and get my mind off of my weight gain. It didn't work. There was only one thing on my mind the entire day. I literally felt like I was being strangled by the fat around my neck. I thought my clothes looked horrible, and changed my outfit three times before I gave up. You probably noticed that I didn't post a picture today. I procrastinated so much that I forgot.

For a while, I was excited to go on my run this afternoon. My running buddy and I were supposed to go there together. I had been excited to show her my running progress since the fall when we last ran together, but today I was very reluctant to see her. I felt huge and bloated. I seemed to have forgotten that months ago, I felt comfortable in my own skin, while being much heavier. Today, I just felt uncomfortable and weird.

While I was running, I was very uneasy, both mentally and physically. I felt like I was dragging around 30 extra pounds all over again. I couldn't get my breathing right. I wanted to quit. I also felt all eyes on me, as if people were thinking, "the fat girl's so slow." I consciously got in the far lane, so I could tell myself that I had a longer way to go around the track, and try not to notice them passing me. It didn't work. Even on the straightaways, people were smoking me. Paradoxically, this made me slow down.

I was a little relieved to get in the car, without running into my running buddy, for fear that I looked a mess. I really didn't want her to see me like this. I checked my voicemail to find that she had been stuck in traffic. When I called her back, she said she was going to Zumba, and that she'd save me a spot. I tried to mentally prepare her, to see me in all my bloated glory.

I felt horrible. She was surprised when I told her that I'd gained almost all the weight back that I'd lost on the cleanse. I lied and said that I had it under control. Really, I thought to myself, I don't. I was trippin', because now I realize that I DO, but this idea really hit me hard.

I was very emotional while driving home to grab my sweatshirt. I haven't gotten emotional about my weight in a very long time. I've been disappointed very recently, but not emotional.

On my way to Zumba, I got on Twitter, and posted something to the effect that I was frustrated in my journey, feeling like it wasn't going anywhere, and that I was tempted to throw in the towel. The outpouring of encouragement was extremely touching, and made me emotional all over again.

When I got to Zumba, I was still in a little bit of a foul mood. I was very nervous as to what my Zumba buddies, many of whom I haven't seen in a month due to various injuries and cleanses, would say. I know the way nice people operate, because I try to be nice myself. Sometimes.

Anyway, if they thought I looked good, they'd be quick to congratulate me. If they thought I looked horrible, they wouldn't say anything. I was very surprised that my running buddy said I looked good, but she looked amazing, having lost (and kept off) about 10 pounds.

After the class, I felt so much better. Now I'm home, and about to hop in the shower and go to sleep. Thank you again to everyone for your encouragement and your resources. Have a wonderful night. I'll blog tomorrow. Muah.